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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Shein April Fools’ prank just photoshopped image of happy, healthy adult factory workers
“I’m energized and excited to spend my entire career at Shein, which I began working for at an appropriately mature age," said the caption.
Mackenzie Moore
Sober on St. Patty’s: Other festive ways to end up vomiting on the street
Four alcohol-free ways to still end up vomiting on the street with the rest of the hooligans.
Mackenzie Moore
The Desk: Election Day 2024 edition
The Desk 11/5/24
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 5, 20242 min read
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Report: President Biden to spend Election Day in recliner eating pints of ice cream, 'giddily' kicking feet under blanket
"Come 6 a.m., you'll find me kicking back and cozied up to a cold one," said Biden, referring to a pint of Chunky Monkey.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 4, 20242 min read
13 views
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Mackenzie Moore
Sep 17, 20242 min read
6 views
0 comments
Trump doubles down on debate: 'Having a plan is for nerds, losers'
"Having a plan without being elected president first? That's like knowing how to run a business before being named CEO," said Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 11, 20242 min read
5 views
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Meth celery, spine cracking, and the best Dutch man to bully
The Desk 8/14/24
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 14, 20241 min read
17 views
0 comments
JD Vance on birth control policies: 'I'm a staunch supporter of the pull out couch method'
"Fact is, who needs condoms or pills when you could just get some latex gloves and make a quick stop at IKEA?" said Trump's running mate.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 7, 20242 min read
13 views
0 comments
Walz returning to education as middle school lunchroom monitor in preparation for potential vice presidential debate
The newly-announced VP pick says he'd like to get used to debating those who are "cranky and unreasonable" due to underdeveloped brains.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 6, 20242 min read
9 views
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Kamala Harris, Slim Shady, and rolling out of moving taxis
The Desk 7/23/24
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 23, 20242 min read
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0 comments
Trump considering abandoning Black vote in exchange for angle on Harris
“Laughing Kamala. Really, Donald? You can do better. Where’s that signature sense of humor?” said Trump to himself.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 22, 20241 min read
6 views
0 comments
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