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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Shein April Fools’ prank just photoshopped image of happy, healthy adult factory workers
“I’m energized and excited to spend my entire career at Shein, which I began working for at an appropriately mature age," said the caption.
Mackenzie Moore
Sober on St. Patty’s: Other festive ways to end up vomiting on the street
Four alcohol-free ways to still end up vomiting on the street with the rest of the hooligans.
Mackenzie Moore
Confirmation hearings, Mr. Baseball, and Conan's quaff
The Desk 1/16/25
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 162 min read
6 views
0 comments
Cyber Monday, steamed hotdish, and airdropping turkeys
The Desk 12/2/24
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 2, 20242 min read
4 views
0 comments
Report: President Biden to spend Election Day in recliner eating pints of ice cream, 'giddily' kicking feet under blanket
"Come 6 a.m., you'll find me kicking back and cozied up to a cold one," said Biden, referring to a pint of Chunky Monkey.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 4, 20242 min read
13 views
0 comments
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 17, 20242 min read
6 views
0 comments
Trump doubles down on debate: 'Having a plan is for nerds, losers'
"Having a plan without being elected president first? That's like knowing how to run a business before being named CEO," said Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 11, 20242 min read
5 views
0 comments
Biden calls punching Helen Keller early in political career ‘an honest mistake’
"Helen and I hashed it out and now we’re ready to play some ball,” assured the president of the United States.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 13, 20241 min read
14 views
0 comments
Celine Dion, Flava Flav, and the Olympic blunt
The Desk 7/29/24
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 29, 20242 min read
13 views
0 comments
Kamala Harris, Slim Shady, and rolling out of moving taxis
The Desk 7/23/24
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 23, 20242 min read
8 views
0 comments
Report: Biden willing to step down in exchange for signature Ben & Jerry's flavor
The president has settled on "Joseph Raisinet Biden," a play on both his middle name and the last 16 years of his political career.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 18, 20242 min read
15 views
0 comments
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 2, 20242 min read
11 views
0 comments
Biden confesses lack of energy during debate due to high-intensity Ironman training
“By the time I got my 90 mile ride in and finished it up with a quick half-marathon run, it was time to get to the stage!" explained Biden.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 28, 20242 min read
15 views
0 comments
Tonight's 'real debate,' Olympic doping, and bread roulette
The Desk 6/27/24
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 27, 20242 min read
12 views
0 comments
Biden to attempt flipping Trump voters by wearing Reagan mask during debate
"If you wanna be adored like the man, you’ve gotta look like the man, muchacho!” stated the 46th president of the United States.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 24, 20242 min read
4 views
0 comments
Jimmy Carter announces entry into 2024 presidential race: 'It's the right time'
At 99 years old, the longtime hospice patient's energy and mental faculties greatly outmatch those of his opponents.
Mackenzie Moore
May 31, 20242 min read
8 views
0 comments
Mike Tyson, State of the Union address, and aliens
The Desk 3/8/24
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 8, 20242 min read
16 views
0 comments
Biden to use State of the Union address to summarize entire 'The Lord of the Rings' series
The president will have roughly an hour to summarize about 12 hours of screen time, complete with impressions.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 7, 20242 min read
9 views
0 comments
Biden returns to Oval Office for first time since killing, eating man
"I saw an empty fire extinguisher and just started wailing on the guy like he was a piñata full of Tootsie Rolls," said Biden.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 15, 20242 min read
8 views
0 comments
Punxsutawney Phil, Elmo, and the CIA
Punxsutawney Phil didn't see his shadow today, clearly predicting an early spring. Given the groundhog's batting average, meteorologists...
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 2, 20242 min read
11 views
0 comments
Taylor Swift, government shutdowns, and eating grass
President Biden appeared at the United Auto Workers strike today, saying he supports them getting a raise and to "stick with it." Soon...
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 26, 20232 min read
21 views
0 comments
Biden, McCarthy to throw joint pizza party in exchange for debt ceiling deal votes
"These cats are tricky, but you and I both know that cats love pepperoni," stated Biden on Sunday morning.
Mackenzie Moore
May 28, 20232 min read
15 views
0 comments
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