"Y’see how ‘Kiss me’ is printed on my body? That includes my ass,” said one conversation heart.

“People say ‘shoot for the moon and land among the stars,’ but I’d argue that you’re suffocating out there either way," said Wittker.

"Remember when your mom learned Photoshop just to cut me out of the picture you sent for the Christmas card?” asked girlfriend Jane Vye.

"I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t mentally preparing to punch Kris Kringle in the trachea on the drive over," said the father.

The Honda acknowledges that the demonstration may partially be a passive-aggressive response to having hot coffee spilled all over it again.

"Oh, I'm alright — don't worry about me," said Mahoney, five beers deep 30 minutes after arriving to O'Shaugnessy's Irish Pub.

"Some of the really tall boys are even peeing in corners like their parents haven't taught them to use the potty yet."

"Valentine's Day is supposed to be about love, so I don't see why it can't be about self-love too," said Altadena's Maria Schaffer.

"This is as close as I'll ever come to tasting baby Jesus, and gosh is he sweet," said Minnesota mom Pam Salders.

"It's always been about the eggs. It will always be about the eggs," said the Easter Bunny.

“I’m sorry, but could you please leave me alone?” said a woman scoping out the fancier section of the Walgreens candy aisle.