“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.

The Desk 3/26/25

"Even if the hens know they’re eating chicken, why would they care? It’s not like they knew those roosters personally," explained Trump.

"God, it makes me want to pardon a warlord," muttered Trump.

The Desk 1/16/25

The Desk 1/9/25

"The way she hops like a kangaroo — it's like nothing I've ever seen before," said Trump.

"I love peaches, don't you? I mean, wow. So fuzzy. Can I borrow your name and address?" said Putin to a voter waiting behind him in Georgia.

The Desk 11/5/24

"Come 6 a.m., you'll find me kicking back and cozied up to a cold one," said Biden, referring to a pint of Chunky Monkey.

"I'm watching, I'm watching," said Trump before turning his attention back to his phone immediately after Musk leapt overboard.

The Desk 9/30/24

The Desk 9/17/24

"Having a plan without being elected president first? That's like knowing how to run a business before being named CEO," said Trump.

The Desk 8/14/24

"Fact is, who needs condoms or pills when you could just get some latex gloves and make a quick stop at IKEA?" said Trump's running mate.

The newly-announced VP pick says he'd like to get used to debating those who are "cranky and unreasonable" due to underdeveloped brains.

The Desk 7/23/24

“Laughing Kamala. Really, Donald? You can do better. Where’s that signature sense of humor?” said Trump to himself.

"Dense Pence promised to steal Big Macs for me, but he gave up trying after failing at only 10 separate franchises. Coward," said Trump.