"Yeah, voting's important, but staying glued to the TV is what really counts," said political rhetoric professor Gretchen Lyons.

"I love peaches, don't you? I mean, wow. So fuzzy. Can I borrow your name and address?" said Putin to a voter waiting behind him in Georgia.

"This is what I do, Gwen. Now you can help me shred this block of cheddar or you can go back to bed," said Walz to his concerned wife.

The Desk 11/5/24

"Come 6 a.m., you'll find me kicking back and cozied up to a cold one," said Biden, referring to a pint of Chunky Monkey.

"Having a plan without being elected president first? That's like knowing how to run a business before being named CEO," said Trump.

"Fact is, who needs condoms or pills when you could just get some latex gloves and make a quick stop at IKEA?" said Trump's running mate.

The newly-announced VP pick says he'd like to get used to debating those who are "cranky and unreasonable" due to underdeveloped brains.

“Laughing Kamala. Really, Donald? You can do better. Where’s that signature sense of humor?” said Trump to himself.

The president has settled on "Joseph Raisinet Biden," a play on both his middle name and the last 16 years of his political career.

"Dense Pence promised to steal Big Macs for me, but he gave up trying after failing at only 10 separate franchises. Coward," said Trump.

“By the time I got my 90 mile ride in and finished it up with a quick half-marathon run, it was time to get to the stage!" explained Biden.

The Desk 6/27/24

"If you wanna be adored like the man, you’ve gotta look like the man, muchacho!” stated the 46th president of the United States.

"I say we find a playground on a rainy morning, scoop some worms into a bucket, and find out who the real top dog is," said RFK Jr.

"If the moderators can't be people, can they at least be women?" said Vivek Ramaswamy to great applause from his supporter.