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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Shein April Fools’ prank just photoshopped image of happy, healthy adult factory workers
“I’m energized and excited to spend my entire career at Shein, which I began working for at an appropriately mature age," said the caption.
Mackenzie Moore
Sober on St. Patty’s: Other festive ways to end up vomiting on the street
Four alcohol-free ways to still end up vomiting on the street with the rest of the hooligans.
Mackenzie Moore
Report: 78% of heart-shaped pizzas eaten alone in dark
"Valentine's Day is supposed to be about love, so I don't see why it can't be about self-love too," said Altadena's Maria Schaffer.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 14, 20243 min read
7 views
0 comments
Historical records show Jesus had $300 million annual marketing budget
Newly discovered historical records show that the son of God had what now equates to a $250 million annual marketing budget.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 13, 20242 min read
22 views
0 comments
Increased police presence on Sesame Street due to bomb threat
Police believe the threat was made by Larry David after the caller complained about how annoying the traffic would be on the way.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 6, 20242 min read
5 views
0 comments
Study finds strong correlation between eating can of soup in two separate servings and being a psychopath
It's ultimately a significant help when trying to determine if someone is a Jeffrey Dahmer-style asshole or just the garden variety.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 1, 20242 min read
15 views
0 comments
Solo cups to be $20 each in effort to compete with Stanley
"Customers can rest assured that increased price does not mean increased quality," said CEO Robert Korzenski.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 25, 20242 min read
27 views
0 comments
Ron DeSantis spending newfound free time practicing human smile in bathroom mirror
"I follow the instructions to 'If You're Happy and You Know It' to the letter 60 times per day," said DeSantis.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 22, 20242 min read
21 views
0 comments
Joe Gow to replace Jay Rothman as president of Universities of Wisconsin: 'Wisconsin education needs an attentive lover'
"Sure, I'm not a generous lover. Heck, I'm not big on loving in the first place — I don't take 'no' for an answer," said Rothman.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 28, 20232 min read
58 views
0 comments
Giuliani sells decades-old prized dead bug collection after filing for bankruptcy following defamation suit
"This was my first," said Giuliani, wiping away a brown tear as he picked up a cockroach from the 1960s.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 21, 20232 min read
13 views
0 comments
Starbucks to combat 'war on Christmas' complaints with new fetus flavor
"This is as close as I'll ever come to tasting baby Jesus, and gosh is he sweet," said Minnesota mom Pam Salders.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 19, 20232 min read
18 views
0 comments
Comprehensive list of people worse off following death of Henry Kissinger
-------------------------- Photo courtesy of U.S. Department of State via public domain
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 30, 20231 min read
11 views
0 comments
Ron Johnson on not speaking up about Madison Nazi march: 'I want to be reelected'
"There's all of this conversation these days — 'Nazis are bad,' 'We need to do something about the Nazis.' My question is, what about me?"
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 21, 20233 min read
16 views
0 comments
George Santos 'looking forward' to going back to old life as astronaut, surgeon
Note: This interview has been thoroughly fact checked.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 20, 20233 min read
13 views
0 comments
Trump explains why he valued old, rotting treehouse at $100 million
"I have fond memories of my nanny carrying me up that tree from the ages of five to 15," said Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 8, 20232 min read
40 views
0 comments
Trump forced to sell beloved golden toilet in order to pay legal fees
“I was hiding on that thing in the bathroom during all of it," said Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 25, 20232 min read
15 views
0 comments
Taylor Swift elected Speaker of the House
"What she lacks in political experience is made up for by her lack of political experience," said Rep. Ralph Norman.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 15, 20232 min read
34 views
0 comments
'Mein Kampf' to be only book allowed in school libraries
"This country would be an awful lot better if people accepted the good word into their hearts," said Welles.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 7, 20232 min read
152 views
0 comments
Teachers unions to strike unless given right to smack one kid per quarter
With major strikes happening across the country, many teachers are calling for a strike of their own. While most would assume they would...
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 3, 20232 min read
113 views
0 comments
Future Republican debates to be moderated by those windy dancing car dealership thingies
"If the moderators can't be people, can they at least be women?" said Vivek Ramaswamy to great applause from his supporter.
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 29, 20232 min read
37 views
0 comments
Lauren Boebert apologizes for smoking crack on Disney World teacup ride
"Yes, I rubbed one out and smoked crack around children in two separate instances. A good president would've done both at once."
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 17, 20232 min read
20 views
0 comments
$1 billion Powerball winner to trade ticket for five years of health insurance
"Sure, $1 billion is a lot of money. I also used to think that $10 was a lot of money, and now it won't buy me a pastrami sandwich."
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 21, 20233 min read
321 views
0 comments
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