"Helen and I hashed it out and now we’re ready to play some ball,” assured the president of the United States.

"Fact is, who needs condoms or pills when you could just get some latex gloves and make a quick stop at IKEA?" said Trump's running mate.

The newly-announced VP pick says he'd like to get used to debating those who are "cranky and unreasonable" due to underdeveloped brains.

“Laughing Kamala. Really, Donald? You can do better. Where’s that signature sense of humor?” said Trump to himself.

The president has settled on "Joseph Raisinet Biden," a play on both his middle name and the last 16 years of his political career.

"Dense Pence promised to steal Big Macs for me, but he gave up trying after failing at only 10 separate franchises. Coward," said Trump.

The line is the first of its kind to cater to those between the ages of 10-15.

“By the time I got my 90 mile ride in and finished it up with a quick half-marathon run, it was time to get to the stage!" explained Biden.

"If you wanna be adored like the man, you’ve gotta look like the man, muchacho!” stated the 46th president of the United States.

"We all heard the buzz about cicadas this summer, but this is truly an outbreak of its own," said biologist Dr. Candace Kruch.

Say goodbye to "Lobster your way" and hello to "Lobster the Red Lobster way" — a.k.a. "Scooped from the dumpster out back."

At 99 years old, the longtime hospice patient's energy and mental faculties greatly outmatch those of his opponents.

"I say we find a playground on a rainy morning, scoop some worms into a bucket, and find out who the real top dog is," said RFK Jr.

Mays hopes to move back into an apartment once she's done paying off medical bills for an ointment she received after stepping on a bee.

Despite "anti-fascist" being the namesake, antifa oddly only seems to be blamed for pro-fascism events.

The president will have roughly an hour to summarize about 12 hours of screen time, complete with impressions.

Unfortunately for CEO Kirk Tanner, Wendy's is not Coachella and he is not Beyoncé.

"Upon first sniff, I was instantly transported to being a little fly at a sprawling cattle ranch — pure ecstasy," said judge Ian Rutherford.

"I saw an empty fire extinguisher and just started wailing on the guy like he was a piñata full of Tootsie Rolls," said Biden.

"Valentine's Day is supposed to be about love, so I don't see why it can't be about self-love too," said Altadena's Maria Schaffer.