“I’m energized and excited to spend my entire career at Shein, which I began working for at an appropriately mature age," said the caption.

Four alcohol-free ways to still end up vomiting on the street with the rest of the hooligans.

“They told me I’d be in here for a while, so I figured ‘What the heck — slap ‘em on me,’” recounted His Holiness.

"Y’see how ‘Kiss me’ is printed on my body? That includes my ass,” said one conversation heart.

"Even if the hens know they’re eating chicken, why would they care? It’s not like they knew those roosters personally," explained Trump.

“There’s really no reason for children to be out when not in use, so we suggest that the tots be stowed away until needed,” said Lovell.

"God, it makes me want to pardon a warlord," muttered Trump.

"It's all Dude Wipes and deviants. I know you’re cheating on your husband, Linda!” burped Siri.

"Knowing how much money I’m saving helps me sleep better at night. I collapse as soon as I fill the last jar!" said one subscriber.

"We didn’t expect the result to be so on the nose — a squishy red one, to be exact,” said an anonymous online investigator.

"The way she hops like a kangaroo — it's like nothing I've ever seen before," said Trump.

"Yeah, voting's important, but staying glued to the TV is what really counts," said political rhetoric professor Gretchen Lyons.

"I love peaches, don't you? I mean, wow. So fuzzy. Can I borrow your name and address?" said Putin to a voter waiting behind him in Georgia.

"This is what I do, Gwen. Now you can help me shred this block of cheddar or you can go back to bed," said Walz to his concerned wife.

"Come 6 a.m., you'll find me kicking back and cozied up to a cold one," said Biden, referring to a pint of Chunky Monkey.

"I'm watching, I'm watching," said Trump before turning his attention back to his phone immediately after Musk leapt overboard.

"Ah, shit. What's Brezhnev doing here?" questioned Carter of the deceased Soviet Union Communist Party leader.

"I'd go and trade those peanuts in for a nudie mag down at the five and dime," reminisced the former president.

Elmo's platform would include defunding the NYPD in order to turn all duties over to 'trusted ally' Super Grover.

"Having a plan without being elected president first? That's like knowing how to run a business before being named CEO," said Trump.